"HOLD ME CLOSE, LET ME GO"
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FINISHED YOUR BOOK YESTERDAY MORNING. IT WAS VERY GOOD, WHEW! I'D THOUGHT I'D WENT THRU ENOUGH WITH MY BOYS. YOU CERTAINLY, CAPTURED ALL THE FEELINGS I HAD RAISING MINE. I'VE OFTEN SAID, I ALMOST WANT TO SLAP THEM AND SAY "HOW DARE YOU PUT ME THRU ALL THAT AND TURN OUT PERFECTLY OK.
Hi - I read your book in two sittings. Thank you so much for writing it.
I have a 16 year old girl and a 13 year old boy and although I haven't had
to go through any of the same problems, I am dealing with low grades and a
smart mouth on the part of my daughter. But you made me realize that I should
relax more, back off, forget about her messy room and even her grades a bit.
Thanks you so much for writing the book. And keep giving us harried Moms those
great stories in your column.
J. H.
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Thanks to you and Morgan for this book. I loved the way her warmth, wit,
and family loyalty kept percolating through! Halfway through reading it the
second time I forgave my daughter for her turbulent adolescence.
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Your book has made me feel less alone. And, if the situation didn't feel
so constantly hopeless, I'd say you have shown me that there is a future that
is less daunting than the one I imagine. Thank you for telling your story.
I am proud of you for having had the strength to have lived through it but
especially for sharing it.. What a strong, confident daughter to permit herself
to be revealed so! Your openness offers much to the rest of us who have grappled
with similar problematic times with our children. Your husband sounds like
one heckofa guy. I admire the children's father for being a "present"
father, a friend to you and your husband. Your book says a lot about family
bond. I think real elegance comes in your honest and steadfast writing, in
your writing about your father, ever in the background, reminding the reader
that ordinary life keeps us going on and takes its turns no matter what may
be tearing us apart. You've created a poignant little book.
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After reading your book, it was like a burden lift off of my shoulder, someone
understood my pain, my anger, my disappointment & shame (as Americanized
as I seemed to be, I'm still deeply rooted as a Chinese, we don't talk about
our problems for fear of losing face).
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Since late October I have spent as much time here in Berkeley taking care
of my mother after bypass surgery as I have two time zones away with my family.
The stress is showing, especially the conflict between Daughter and Dad. Right
now Mom isn't there to do the giving in. The subject line from yesterday's
first email from my husband read "Joy and Sorrow" and the next "Amy's
Better" including the last line "If she will stay this nice life
would be grand." Today's were "Need Help" followed by "I
give up" and after a long distance screaming match, she is grounded for
life. And yet just before Christmas she voluntarily went to hear her 14 year
old brother in the chorus of "The Messiah" and, after it was over,
asked if she could take him out for ice cream! Tonight she triumphantly waltzed
into the house holding her tiny hearing aid, which, having been missing since
September, has been at the center of more than one grounding. "It was
in the car, just where I knew it would be." Then she and her dad (did
I mention she lost her computer privileges too?) emailed pictures that she'd
taken of the new-fallen snow in our yard to remind me what home looks like.
I wonder when we'll find out what party she's just has to go to and what boy
she's dying to see.
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Much of what you have chronicled-so painfully-is going on in my own home.
Like you, I wrestle with the "this is going to hurt me a lot more than
you" side of parenting my daughter. Kaitlin controls us all with her
antics and irresponsibility. My husband and I are educated , now middle (although
I grew up as you did; poor, Irish with an alcoholic father who did little
to economically support us) class. We can't believe this is our life. We have
become a dramatic family. I thought I was cool enough, hip enough and certainly
open minded enough to never ever have a daughter who would turn out to be
this defiant I question my role in her unhappiness on a daily, sometimes hourly
basis, torn between acknowledging and accepting total responsibility for her
life, to believing she knows exactly what she is doing and that my presence
in her life has done nothing to mold her into the person she has become. Does
the truth lie somewhere in between?
Not according to Kaitlin. She blames me for all the grief she experiences:
when it is cloudy, when the chips, cookies, soda she wants is gone (even though
she has eaten whatever it is herself), when I have brought home videos that
"suck", when she gets grounded for sneaking out... In HER mind,it
all comes down to what I did or did not provided for her during her formative
years. This from a child who never even ate baby food from a jar-I wore out
the motor on the Cuisanart mashing up yams, beets, corn for her. My daily
affirmation has become "How did this happen" ?
Your book has made me feel less alone. And, if the situation didn't feel so
constantly hopeless, I'd say you have shown me that there is a future that
is less daunting than the one I imagine.
Thank you for telling your story. I am proud of you for having had the strength
to have lived through it but especially for sharing it.
K. D.
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I read Sunday's review after I finished your book. Oh please, Reviewer. What's
described in your book is a very jerky experience--and how would the Reviewer
know! I think real elegance comes in your honest and steadfast writing, in
your writing about your father, ever in the background, reminding the reader
that ordinary life keeps us going on and takes its turns no matter what may
be tearing us apart. You've created a poignant little book. What a time so
many of us are in! How can we know what to do? We're caught in the middle
of our children's struggles to gain their independence and our parents' struggles
as their independence begins to slip away from them.
Comfort is to be found all around in the reconciliation of the parent/child
relationship. I hope my daughter will want to read your book. I think she
might like to know your daughter and of your family. Again, thank you for
revealing your life and affirming a mother's loyalty.
Wish you well,
S. S.
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Dear Ms. Lara, I have just finished reading your book, I want to thank you
for having the courage to write such private matters, it touched my heart
more ways than you can imagine, you see, my daughter Christina was so much
like Morgan, throughout the book, I said over and over "she's writing
about us". After reading the book review in the Chronicle, I called Christina
to tell her that I will try to check out this book from the library. I stopped
by Costo to pick up our vacation pictures before my Sydney trip last Thursday
night, your book was waiting for me. I could hardly wait to finish the late
night meal service, turned down the lights for the passengers to rest, I started
to read the back cover. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to wipe off
the tears, I wept over the note Morgan wrote you before she moved to Holly's.
Christina is my only child, but she and Morgan might have been twins in their
previous life. After reading your book, it was like a burden lift off of my
shoulder, someone understood my pain, my anger, my disappointment & shame
(as Americanized as I seemed to be, I'm still deeply rooted as a Chinese,
we don't talk about our problems for fear of losing face). May I ask what's
Morgan up to these days after she graduated from UC Santa Cruz? Christina
is still thinking of moving back to San Francisco after she finishes this
semester @ Santa Monica College, she does not like L.A.
By the way, she told me she was hanging out with Patrick (yours) last weekend.
I will take the book to Christina next week after I come back from my Beijing
trip. I can't say that we don't have any problem with Christina today, but
we're becoming more understanding to each other, somethings we will never
see eye to eye, I will remind myself of your book title -Hold me tight, Let
me go. .
L. G.
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I've heard your daughter's words from my son's own lips.....He's 15 and like
you, I have felt, "If I just can get him through these next few years,
he'll snap out of it." You and your daughter have given me the hope that
he will. Reading your daughter's words, that just loving her and being there
for her and never giving up on her, you guided her through it all, gave me
an incredible amount of strength. I wish we could sit down over coffee and
talk about being mothers. I read your column in the Chronicle every week and
look forward to your insight and humor. When you and my shrink are on vacation
at the same time it is not a good week.
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I went to Drake High on a Saturday morning, my precious time off, 1995, to
hear you because I was just starting to catch a glimpse of what was ahead
of me in terms of Jimmy's high school years...This was when he was still playing
soccer, basketball, coming in at the curfew, getting Bs and As, but, not happy
with forced custody time at his Dad's studio in San Anselmo ,where we used
to live since Jimmy was born, until I found (his Dad) there with another woman...According
to Bill, my exhusband, there was nothing wrong with wanting another woman
before you have divorced the first, and he fought every which way, so that
I lost our home, and Jimmy was to "accept" the new way of things
completely. This from the man who used to quote Summerhill. Back to that day.
I wanted Jimmy to attend Drake, the neighborhood high school since I came
to San Anselmo and worked at Ethel Seiderman's Children's Center as a teacher
for three years. I loved the community. So, back to that day. I walked in
the gym after making Jimmy and his two closest friends waffles, (He was supposed
to be at his Dad's, but, Jimmy always found his way home on Saturday morning)
and I almost walked right back out, because there is my ex with her, marching
down the center aisle to position themsleves right in the second to front
row, looking like the "Mother and Father" ideal image.
I did not walk back out, but sat in the back, by myself, and listened to
the best advice that I heard for the next five years.. You don't "give
up" and you "Hang in there with them even when they are driving
you the most crazy."
Jimmy did not graduate from Drake. He graduated from Madrone, that he took
me down to register for...He never set foot in his Dad's place after a "party"
he held there the end sophmore year. Jimmy then busted out in every direction,
oh yes, I know about the sleepless, helpless times..He is 21 years old, just
spent a spring break week here, attends Grossmonte Junior College, one more
semester and he will be on to San Diego State as a business major. I love
that six foot frame with a lopsided grin, and the friends that have changed
and the ones that have stayed in the picture...I read your column this morning
about the time consuming ridiculous book tour, but, you know what, you're
right. Just for that woman, and like connnecting magnet balls, each one of
us, keep a torch going for parents still to go through it and the ones who
are in the middle, and the lucky
ones of us with the emerging adults...still alive.
Thanks for the talk, six years ago, and thanks for your humor. I don't know
about you, I am supposed to have a pretty good sense of humor too, but it
was gone during those harrowing experiences, and yet it would come back when
I would read your column.
Best Regards,
P. W.
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When I read your book it was like you had plucked whole scenes from my life.
My daughter Sara was an energetic, different child who never liked school.
She is physically very beautiful, is a talented artist with a flair for sculpture
and a fabulous singing voice. She is also incredibly spaced out, hard to be
around, swears like a truck driver and does just what she wants to do;no matter
what I say.
All my friends tell me that I spoil her and indulge her. That I ought to be
able to control her;Why do you let her go out? When you talked about your
special relationship, that friend, mother one it hit home. We have been to
rehab, in counseling, to the police station. She has run away ,stayed out
all night with boy friends, wrecked a car. Her last act being driving drunk,
so now she' have a DUI. Her father has given up and wants her out of the house
as soon as possible;.Yes, it has affected our relationship.
Anyway, your book gave me hope. I’m always looking for hope. I need the
strength to be tough. I feel like a rubber band sometimes. Of course I want
you to go to the prom..no I am not spending another dime on you.
J. J.
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Adair -- I have just finished reading your book, appreciate your candid description
of what parenting a teenager can be like when said child transforms into someone
unwholesome and unrecognizable. Reading it was like revisiting childhood and
adult memories simultaneously; all I can say is that we have a lot in common,
right down to the toilet paper roll Santa decoration. The worst part for me
as a mother was the feeling of betrayal as I watched my two children (yes,
I got to go through it twice !) nearly self-destruct. My husband and I had
devoted our lives to their well-being and upbringing, and so it felt like
getting kicked in the teeth over and over again, with each daily catastrophe.
I was bewildered and shocked because until they reached adolescence they had
been delightful. focused and stable kids, both in public school GATE programs
and thriving. I didn't see it coming, which sounds pretty pathetic I guess.
I can recall innocent enough "signs" in their early years, like
the time my son, less than two years old, said, "Look Mommy, Santa has
the same wrapping paper as we have," or the time I walked into the family
room to find my seven month old daughter standing on the couch, triumphant
and grinning at her accomplishment. I should have guessed that we were all
in for some chaos. My children are now in their twenties; my son is teaching
English and writing at the college and high school levels, has managed to
live on his own for this past year, and my daughter is an accountant for one
of the major pharmeceutical / research companies, still living at home till
she can save some money and join the Bay Area economy. I don't feel that all
of their issues are resolved, but they are again thriving and enjoying life.
Not a day goes by that I don't see a tiny black cloud somewhere in my mind,
reminding me of where we were. But I cherish today and love my children more
than ever. My mother told me that raising children is hair raising; it! looked
pretty much life-threatening to me there for a while, but now I am on "the
other side" and still vertical. Parenting reminds me of the work-week:
if we could know on Monday what we will have learned by Friday, we might not
ever get out of bed at the beginning of the week.
Thank you for the book and for letting the reading world know you and your
family. I wish we could sit down over coffee and talk about being mothers.
I read your column in the Chronicle every week and look forward to your insight
and humor. When you and my shrink are on vacation at the same time it is not
a good week. I clip and send your columns to my mother religiously. Suffice
to say, probably many a mother could write a book on their experiences, but
not every mother would. You did, and it is a splendid book. Congratulations.
Hope to catch you at a book signing soon, since you wrote the book for me.
B. C.
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